I MUST CONFESS - Deep inside, past all the grown up, mother of 4, responsible working nurse me, way past the mortgage paying, grocery shopping, bed making 42 year old me, there still dwells a bemused 18 yr old.
I regularly have moments of wonder.
Wonder that anyone thinks I'm mature enough for all this responsibility, that I have even a quarter of what it takes to raise another human being, let alone four of them.
I'm stunned that I am deemed trustworthy enough to work, to drive, to supervise teenagers.
And yet here I am.
Sometimes I talk to myself, from old to young, or from young to old.... one girlfriend to another.
Sometimes 18 year old me is stomping her feet saying "I don't want to do this". Often she is looking in the mirror saying "Holy crap Lisa, what the heck is going on with your hair? "
Regularly she is shaking her head and chuckling "Wow, 42 years and you still can't put on eyeliner !"
She laughs out loud at me ... ( she doesn't LOL becuase at 18 years of age for me there was no such thing as text messages, or mobile phones. )... she laughs out loud at my rules for my teenagers. Giggles when I lay down the "Rules when your boyfriend comes to visit", and snorts when I'm demanding that my teenage girls do some homework. She mocks me and asks "How are you going to handle this one" when my teenager declares (again) that she hates school and is quitting, and high-fives me when I manage to convince the same teenager to stay at school, at least for the rest of this week.
When my teenage daughter is telling me she hates a subject or that some teacher is boring, on the outside I am maturely trying to problem solve and explaining the importance of a complete education.
But 18 year old me is reminding me of how many times I told my parents I wanted to quit. I'm reminded of how frustrated I was at having to do subjects I hated, and how I thought most of my teachers were idiots.
18 year old me shows me a flashback, of my Mum sitting on the end of my bed, gently asking if I would consider doing just an hour of study for my HSC.. and of me laughing and saying "Nope" I had a boyfriend to visit, friends to catch up with.
When my just-turned-18 year old daughter asked if she could go to Melbourne for a night with a group of friends, 42 year old me at first said "Hell, no". After several discussions she got permission to go but only after I questioned her for details, rang the motel they were all staying at, checked on who else was going, lectured her on the possible dangers of drinking and going out in the city and the importance of sticking together.
A little whisper in my ear was again reminding me of how, just one month after turning 18, I announced I was going away for a weekend with my boyfriend, and that there was nothing my parents could do to stop me. I was bold enough to go, to just expect that I had every right in the world to do as I pleased and that they would just have to get over it.
I'm pretty sure that 18 year old me is a bit shocked at all the seriousness of this parenting gig. She's certain that this isn't at all like we had imagined. I think she thinks I'm a bit of a bore.
But that's because she's 18, and she doesn't know what I know now.
-x--x--x--x--x--x--x-
What would your 18 year old self say to you now?
She is having a teensy little break from blogging so I am hosting the I Must Confess linkup this week. Please join in - add you post confessing anything, or just sharing what's going on in your day. We love to see new faces so add your link and have fun visiting the other blogs. xx
Prompt for next weeks I Must Confess Post is 'If I could go back to one single moment in my life, it would be...' hosted by Emma at fivedegreesofchaos.com ... get typing bloggy friends.
I'm also Linking with One Mother Hen for Open Slather
Isn't it funny to reflect back on what we did, what we thought we knew, who we thought we'd become...and then there's the reality...lol... Or should I say, laugh out loud!!
ReplyDeleteOMG yes, I knew everything. and I was never going to be like my parents. Except now I'm probably stricter than my parents ever were. Crazy!
DeleteI read it the other way, what we would say to our 18 year old self. My 18 year old self would never talk to someone as old as me...
ReplyDeleteI had a friends daughter in my car once - 17 yrs old, dropping her off somewhere and I was chatting away,I looked across at her and I saw her expression .. bemused and amused at my feeble attempots of communication. I wanted to yell "But I'm cool! I am !! ReallY" ... but it sounded like 'the lady doth protest too much' so I just dropped her off and kept driving. Uncool me
DeleteI must confess - I identified with SO MUCH in this post! I have a 20 y.o. son & a daughter turning 18 in November - help!
ReplyDeleteParenting teens is so much harder than parenting little kids, in some ways isn't it. Hang in there Janet, this too shall pass
DeleteI'm hoping to come to the I must confess party a little later today. :)
ReplyDeleteI bet that I will be very nervous about what my 18yo does... especially knowing what I got up to at just 16! I just want her to be honest with me and never be afraid to call me! Considering I'm a bit more of an older mum here's hoping when I'm knocking 50 and have a 18yo that I remember this!
ReplyDeleteI'm always here, my 20 yr old rings me to pick him and his mates up from the pub.. I'd rather that than them be on the streets or driving with a not-sober mate. My Dad used to pick me and my friends up from the pub at 3 am.. now it's me on the pub run in my Pj's and slippers!
DeleteI know, right? I always think of myself as like 20 years old in my head and then I talk to a 20 year old and realise, nah, I'm nothing like that. THANK GOD.
ReplyDeleteI guess I still think I'm 'young' in my head... but when I speak to young 20 yr olds, even when I speak to young first time Mums.. I understand what they are saying or feeling, but I also know I've moved on from that place. Sadly that is sometimes perceived as condescending, but it's not. It's just a few more years experience and knowledge.
DeleteAfter I read this I realise that yes, my 18 year old self is still there, she comes out my mouth all the time. She's in my thoughts and still stomps her feet. I really should get over myself :)
ReplyDeleteI hate to think what is going to be like having 18 year old daughters.
Sometimes I want to have a full blown tantrum. My last one was when I had a miscarriage and had to have a curette. I was so angry and I was actually sitting in the car refusing to get out, defiantly saying "no, I don't want to! " Yet again, my sweet Mum was by my side, coaxing me out and holding hand.
DeleteMy 17 (almost 18) years son decided today he wanted to move to the city to live with me after all! Reminding me that I was not given the same guidelines to grow up in as he. Reminding me that I never completed VCE (matriculation in my day) and he intends to. Reminding me again that not having a father does not help! So, your post Lisa is timely. I enjoyed the confession and the laugh :)
ReplyDeleteCongrats on raising such a thoughtful boy. I'm not sure if it is all guidelines and guidance. My parents tried so hard to get me on a career path, encouraged me to challenge myself and offered every educational opportunity within their reach. I was still more interested in my boyfriend and how to do my hair... It took til I was 37 to decide I wanted to be a nurse, and to return to study.
DeleteYou're quite right Lisa, it's not all guidelines and guidance. My son has his own mind. I was so proud of him this morning in his new uniform, heading into the unknown, to meet new friends and challenges. Like you, it took me many years to finally decide what I wanted to do to, although the basis of 'wanting to assist others on their path' has always been prevalent. I love your honesty and look forward to reading more of your posts :)
DeleteI was such a strait-laced 18 yo. I look back now and wish I had have lived a little more and taken a few more chances! Loved your post Lisa - thanks so much for hosting this week x
ReplyDeleteWhen I re-imagine my 18 year old self I think she was very straight laced. She might have been acting brave, but she was actually a very afraid, nervous, unsure young thing who was desperate for 'the one' to notice her and sweep her away. Bold bravado hiding an ocean of angst. I'm much happier with the me I've become. xx
DeleteI was a very straight laced 18 year old too. But now I realise boring is good. I wish my boys were boring book worms so I wouldn't have to worry about what they might get up to. Eeeeek. Great post. x
ReplyDeleteMy 18 year old self would think I'm pretty cool I reckon, I reckon I would take more risks a day live life a little more on the edge now than back then...I wish I took more risks at 18 and lived a little!
ReplyDeleteMy 18 year old self was drunk, bumping into furniture and falling down a lot. My 18 year old self did not think about others. Damn he rarely thought at all. But I survived... so too are my 18 year old drunk kids - I hope?
ReplyDeleteYou took me back in time Lisa! Gish those were the days. My girlfriends and I were clubbing at 16 - I think all our parents must have been mad to let us do it! Makes it hard to rule with my kids when I think about what I used to get up to OMG I am in trouble! :)
ReplyDeleteI think my 18 year old self would be impressed that I'm living on my own and actually doing ok for myself.
ReplyDeleteI think my 18 year old self would be totally spun out that I was a city-loving, middle class, working parent of a teen and a tween, now married to a younger man (their Dad) after thinking I would be living a country life with my then partner (who was five years older and had been living with for two years already). I also think she would be pleased I found my happiness but disappointed I still haven't written that great Australian novel even though I'm 48!
ReplyDeleteI really loved reading this. I reckon I would of loved the 18 year old you! I relate totally. It is so strange now parenting after everything I've done.
ReplyDeleteCurious though, have you told your children all this?