the weight of the world

I am not a small girl.

I was when I was a teenager but time, life and lifestyle have crept up and I am no longer what you might call slim. Or trim. Or Svelte,
or even average.

I have a sizable arse and I am curvy.

I know I have weight to lose, but I am also not obsessed by it. I will make it a priority when it is time to be a priority. I am not obese, or in danger, just comfortably plump.
Which is fine and dandy until....

Until I see ........x
Then my weight is very important ( but of course not in a bad way)
Then my weight is an issue (but only mentioned in nice sentences such as "gosh what have you been doing because you've lost weight...")
Except I haven't. I'm the same weight as I was last time we saw each other...

In my life time I have eaten and drunk to excess. I have also starved myself, binged, regretted, used stupid pharmacueticals, denied myself nutrition,  weighed myself, weighed myself weighed myself.....

I fully realise I am a good 20 kilos heavier than I was when I got married. I have also carried and delivered 4 babies and escorted them through childhood, done several rounds of IVF and wreaked havoc on my hormone balance.

I realise my clothes don't fit as well as they did, that I am not trim and terrific. I am aware that I am not a trophy wife.
But I am a good wife, a loyal and giving wife.

It has that many years for me to accept that at 5 ft, I am never going to look like a supermodel. It's taken many therapy sessions to accept that it's ok to be on the curvy side, and making myself crazy over kilojoule counting makes me a very unpleasant wife and mother.

It has taken even longer for me to realise that other peoples issues with my body weight is actually, their problem. That I am great, and people would be happy to be my friend. That my husband (also not svelte) has never ever measured my worth by my waist measurement.
 
My kids love me regardless
My husband loves me regardless

I'm not saying that I have an excuse for not taking care of myself, but there is a fine line between taking care and obsessing, and I don't walk that line well. I currently about walk an hour a day. We eat moderate meals but I don't measure kilojoules. I don't want my girls to buy into the "your weight is everything" bullshit mantra. I want them to appreciate good food, recognise and accept the difference between replete and FULL and to understand that food and weight are not the enemy. I want them to get to know themselves and like themselves without a focus on their waist line measurement. I want them to know that the number on the scales IN NO WAY defines your worth as a human being.

I am the same person on the inside at 70 kgs as at 50 kgs. I am just as worthy, special and interesting.
But right now I like myself.
And that is a huge achievement.

Atre you battling outside voices or are the voices in your head? How do you step away from others expectations and just 'be okay with yourself'?