Thursday, October 20, 2011

Post Natal Depression -

Today I wrote this about my first days with my first baby. It's no secret that I suffered from Post Natal Depression, and have managed to walk back out into the sunshine. Depression in general and Post Natal Depression in particular is a truly personal and individual condition. I have been asked what PND feels like and I can only give you a glimpse of my own experience. This is by no means a blanket description for all PND.
Blogging is scary, hilarious and sometimes confronting. Anyone looking for a pretty, fuzzy story needs to stop reading here. I'll be funny tomorrow.

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17 yrs ago

This tiny baby. In a blue wondersuit, just like in the books in the “New Mummy” bag at the hospital, freshly washed, diapered and powdered.

Except this baby is screaming. S C R E A M I N G  Red faced. Angry. Rage filled and desperate for someone, anyone , to stop the pain that digs like a blade into his belly. He is only new here, and already he knows that no-one has any clue. He knows these people have never done this before and they are clearly out of their depth.
 He cries when he’s held. He cries when he’s laid down. He cries in the rocker. He cries in the car. He cries whether he is clean or dirty, hungry or just fed.
He cries

She sits in her dressing gown, .Mismatched shirt and pants and milk stains on both breast pockets. Her unwashed hair is caught in a clip, her face void of makeup, the only nod to vanity being a quick scrub of teeth. 

She rocks the cradle. Rhythmically, calmly, humming a simple, wordless tune.

And she prays.

“Lord. I Know He will not be safe. I know that somehow I will do wrong and he will die. I will drop him in the bath accidentally. Or not hold him right. I will not recognise signs of respiratory distress, or I will choose the wrong first food. There are spiders and snakes hiding in the garden, waiting for their chance. I don’t dare take my eyes away from him. How do I decide the safest transport in a car – windows up means if we crash into a river the car will fill slowly, but it will be harder to get to my baby. Windows down mean he will be without air quicker but I can get him out through the window.”

She knows with absolute certainty, that somehow, despite her very best efforts, something awful will happen. Despite all her planning, reading, checking and second guessing, somehow this little precious life will be taken from her. 

And so all day, she prays. " Please protect him from me. Please let him die in his sleep. Let it be painless,  peaceful, and not my fault".

Yes. As horrible, unbelievable and cruel as it seems. Yes she did.

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All night she sits beside his cot. Holding his hand. Watching his little chest go in… and out.

Breathe in and out.

Breathe in and out.

Watching watching watching.

Now praying that her prayers of daylight will go unanswered.

Checking and re-checking that this little person makes it to daylight, to a new day.

Exhausted, so exhausted.

watching 

Sure she’s the worst mother on earth.

watching 

Sure no-one will understand how she feels.

watching
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He cries.

4 comments:

  1. Oh Lisa, this post speaks to me so loudly. As a PND/Depression suffered, I understand that helplessness too well. Thank you for being brave enough to hit publish x

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  2. This is beautiful.
    A heartbreaking story. I didn't suffer PND but I have felt every word of this. Laying in bed hoping they won't wake, then freaking out because they haven't when they normally would so you toss and turn before giving up and racing in to check they are breathing, then being mad at yourself because "of course they're breathing" and you could have gotten more much needed sleep in.

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  3. You are awesome!!!!! And we love you!!!!!
    Ever think of being a writer instead of a nurse - you put into words what most of us cannot!
    How blessed are we that the little boy in blue is now the big boy with the deep voice and sunny smile! XXXX

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  4. Love you honesty, as fellow PND survivor I felt every word. Amazing how many mums go through this but keep it in the closet. Thank you for your honesty. C

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Your comments are welcome, please be kind and respectful. We all have different views of the world, sharing your view with gentle words is appreciated.xxx Lisa