Teenagers.. the perfect birth control

Hello lovely bloggy friends.- this may be too much information. Mum and Dad stop reading here....

I have just got off the phone from a friend who has 2 children. Kidlets. Fun sized. Toddlers. They are as cute as a button and full of energy. They are hilarious and stubborn, adorable and exhausting.

Mum is struggling with the day to day grind and waiting, desperately for better days. I am trying to be encouraging, to tell her that this, too, shall pass. Then she says something that has me cackling like a witch, shaking my head at the absurdness of her assumptions.

She said ” I can’t wait til they are teenagers and me and hubby can get our private time back.”

OMG- poor delusional pet. You truly have no idea, do you?

I made agreeable soothing noises whilst trying not to totally decimate all her illusions. But here my friends, here is my honest responses to her statements.

When they are teenagers we can have private time.

Yes, as long as that is in your bedroom, with the door barricaded and plenty of food left out for the carnivores.

When  Y gets his licence he’ll be able to take himself to places and I can stop taxi-ing

Yes, that’s true, then you can take to rocking in the corner worrying about his driving, his car, his friends, the cost of fuel, the cost of insurance and the other drivers on the road.

As they get older they develop a more refined palate and will eat pretty much everything.

Ummm … as long as ‘everything’ comes in a brown bag with a side order of fries and a coke. They will still tell you where you can put the broccoli. 

They start appreciating the value of money, and don’t ask for everything at the supermarket.

This is true. They stop asking at the supermarket. They start asking for cold hard cash. For shopping. Or phone credit, Or piercings,  Or whatever. Value for money is in the eye of the beholder and apparently enameled skull rings through the belly button are expensive. Cool, but expensive.

When all their teeth are here I can stop worrying about 'phases'.

Oh sweet peppermint.. are you freakin' serious? Yes their teeth are all here, along with breast and penises and boyfriends and girlfriends and hormones.. have you heard of hormones?? They are bigger better and stronger than than you have ever anticipated. It's all a phase, from the cradle to the grave, from birth to walking from learning to write to learning to hide a love bite- the whole thing is a phase.. it never never never ends!!

and this.. this final moment of sweet blissful ignorance....

We can have spontaneous sex. 

I admit I laughed. Out loud. I may have rolled on the floor. Snorting

Well, you are right there my friend. Spontaneous as in... who knows if or when it may or may not happen.. yes the teenage years are all about that. 

Going from a time when you had from 7.30pm to get your 'sexy on', to telling the teens to turn the lights out when they go to bed.

Going from wondering if the baby will cry in the midst of passion, to wondering if a teenager will wander in to the kitchen for a mid-eve snack 

Going from being very quiet so we don't wake the baby, to being very quiet so we don't gross out, horrify or generally disgust all under the age of 20.

Going from hoping for a 20  minute window between breastfeeds and baby rocking to hoping for a 20 minute window when someone doesn't ask when the internet will be up and running, can I produce a model of a volcano for science tomorrow and why haven't I taken up the school uniform skirt to the width of a bandaid. 

Going from wondering how we can be responsible for a tiny person in the next room, to wondering why we are still responsible for the 3 large people just down the hall .

Going from just needing the right time and mood,.... to just needing a back rub, a weekend getaway and four kids at friends houses for sleepovers to get in the mood....

Yep.. when they are teenagers it will be easier... or not.