Thursday, July 19, 2012

Crickets chirping

I have written blog posts over and over, then deleted, I can't seem to get my thoughts out. I have lost the groove.
I was silent while I completed my studies and then... the silence has stretched on like a long summer twilight.. crickets chirping in the background. I know some readers are waiting for me to speak.. but everything I write seems trite or without purpose. 
There is life occurring in my world.
I go to work at a lovely little nursing home... but I can't talk about anything that happens there to the public.
I am in the midst of parenting 3 teens... but so often their stories aren't for sharing, at least not by me.
I am parenting my newly turned 8 yr old daughter, and she is lovely, and yet I am cautioned at every turn against putting details of her life on my blog in case the 'bad people' on the net find her.
I am 21 years deep into a growing relationship with The Man I Married and although I share the funny stuff, often it is a grunted "hey" as we pass in the hallway or an exchange of the essential information as I walk out the door to work, just as he's getting home. We are stuck in the cycle of "getting on with it" and time to gaze into each others eyes seems a very distant memory.
Friendships, precious friendships have come and some have gone, as I slowly gain trust in my own right to choose who I spend time with, and as I recognise that, with friends, there really are people who come into our lives sometimes for a reason, or a season, but not necessarily for a lifetime. I have also had to swallow the bitter pill of realising that for some others I was a season or reason friend and they have chosen to let me go. That's ok, but it hurts.

So where does that leave me.. well, hanging in freefall, not sure of where I will land.
I am not unhappy in life, but I aware I am at an intersection. Life is good but I need to make some clear choices in who I place my energy and loyalties with. I need to choose wisely and fearlessly.

I laugh alot, and I am ridiculously cheerful.... on the outside. I can make you laugh, people think I am strong and very opinionated, and sure of myself.
It's all a big fat act.
Inside I am that awkward girl in grade 8 who doesn't really fit in with any of the groups at school. Not pretty, not sporty, not wild.
Nope I am the girl with braces, who hangs on the fringe of the group, who goes to school sick to the stomach worrying that her friends will not be her friends today, that the geeky boy who said he wanted to "go with" her yesterday will have changed his mind and who doesn't want to do well in class because that will make her even more awkward ( did I mention being Dux in primary school -this is not the way to be popular.. must avoid appearing smart in high school classes- no-one likes the smart kid ). I'm the girl who goes along with the group no matter what they are doing, who skips class because the other girls are. Yes, I was caught smoking in the girls toilet.. not because I was smoking, but I was holding it for someone else.. who skipped out when they heard the teacher coming.
And here I am 22 years later, going to work wondering if my co-workers will be nice today, do they like me, am I too opinionated? I feel awkward at school functions... hell, I feel awkward in the school carpark. I'm too short, too dumpy, unfashionable and unstylish.I forget to wear makeup, I forget to change out of my home clothes. I don't wear my husbands earning capacity as a badge of honour. My kids are not perfect and I've never attended a Positive Parenting Class. I don't fit in.
I'm trying really hard to find me, to be me, but it seems old habits die hard.. I'm still just trying to be accepted by the group.
So I've said too much, written too much, do I hit delete?... no, not this time.
This is me.
I'm wondering if all the people out there who appear to have their act together are really just acting? Are you being honest or are you acting... maybe we can make our own group. I'd fit in to that. xxx