Monday, March 26, 2012

Speak the truth

Even when you are scared.
Even when you know there will be fall out
Even when you know you will lose a friend
Even when you stand alone
Even when you hurt with the effort
Even when you fear the consequences

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

In The Tenth Circle Jodi Picoult says a powerful thing:

"Just because you didn't speak the facts out loud didn't erase their existance. Silence was just a quieter way to lie"

When we stay silent, we are giving permission for wrong things to be done. When we stay silent, we hand our power to another person. When we stay silent, we cannot possibly evoke change.

Speak the truth.

** Much admiration to the original photographer. I have been unable to find details to acknowledge them, if you can help, please contact me xxx Lisa **

Friday, March 16, 2012

The first grey hair

Yesterday I blogged about having a rare moment of grownup-ness, and it seems the universe read that entry. It has decided I am in need of a streamlined journey into maturity.
Today I found my first grey hair.
No big deal you think??
Well, no except it WASN'T ON MY HEAD.
Nope, my first grey is in the other place.. oh yes....... down there! What the ????
Is this a joke? It's certainly not in the "Girlz Stuff" handbook, nor in the thousand 'self help, aging gracefully and taking control of the awesome person you are' guru books on my book shelf. Oprah never did a show on it, and Dr Phil didn't mention it. It's one of those nasty little secrets that no-one tells you.
I am studying nursing, I have washed and dressed plenty of aging and aged butts, but never ever in all my thought processes did I consider that when you go grey you GO GREY!

I suspect you're not supposed to use hair dye down there are you?

What a very weird week.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Full Circle

There are many times when I am wondering "when-oh-when will I feel like the grownup that my age and responsibilities indicate?" I will be 40 in June. I have 4 kids, one of whom is going to be an adult in April. I have a mortgage and a job, I have life experience but still, deep down , for the most part this all feels like a practice run.
I am still woefully immature, laugh at stupid things. I worry about what the popular girls ( read: mums at school) think of me and my daggy op-shop couldn't-give-a-crap clothes. I have not mastered the art of flawless makeup, even though my skin is now past its prime and requires spack-filler not luminescent multi-shimmer bronzing beads. I haven't really decided what I want to be when I grow up and I still feel slightly naughty and rebellious when I stay up past midnight.

This week. I had a mature day. I had a Mummy day. I had the day "you didn't want to have but no-one else could do it so you had to - day".

So I will tell you a little story:

When I was 3 or 4, just a wee little person we went on holiday to visit my Grandparent and Aunties and Uncles. In my Aunty Margaret's hay shed there was a Mummy cat and two baby cats. I LOVED kittens. LLLLOOOOVVVVEEEDDDD kittens.
So I sat up in my little sleeping bag in our tent before sleep and I prayed aloud to Jesus " Please Jesus let me have one of the kittens. I promise to be a good girl forever".

(Did your heart break just a little then?)

So my lovely Mummy and Daddy let me have one of those precious kitties and we drove home - 2 days!!! - with a little grey and white baby. I loved him so much that I think he was a little overwhelmed by the intensity of little girl passion! He wore dolls clothes and was pushed in my pram. He sat on the swing with me, he listened to lots of stories.
A few years later when I was 9 that little kitty got very sick and even though my Mum and Dad tried to explain, I just did not want to let him go. I forbade them to have him put to sleep.
I remember very clearly coming home from school and my cat was not where he should be and my Mum having to tell me that he had gone to sleep. I remember crying my eyes out and accusing her of killing my cat. I was so angry and heart broken.


This week my beautiful Ginger cat got very sick. At 7, he was the king of the street, fat and lovely and cuddly. He ate breakfast at three houses each morning and didn't bother moving off the footpath if a dog came along. His kidneys could not keep up with his party-boy lifestyle and on Monday he couldn't walk. By Tuedsay morning we knew that despite drips and drugs he just could not recover. 

As the Mummy, it was my job to help the kids say goodbye.
As the Mummy it was my job to tell the vet it was time to let him go.
As the Mummy it was my job to scratch his little nose as he went to sleep forever.
As the Mummy it was my job to bring him home and find a spot for him to rest.

I know it was for the best, I know it was the kindest thing. I am still heartbroken and sad and fragile but I am being brave and positive for the kids. I have told them he was purring as he went to sleep, that he is chasing all the mousie angels in heaven, that he could not possibly have come home.

I think of my Mum and how it must have hurt her to see me in such pain when I was a little girl. How she must have wished to take away my sadness. Now I know, now I understand.

It's a full circle moment, and for a brief few hours, on Tuesday I felt like a grownup.
I didn't like it.

PS Love you Mummy and Daddy, thankyou for letting me have Kimba xxx

Monday, March 5, 2012

Raining in our street

We had a little rain this week. This is our street.

Because when school gets sent home early, the only reasonable thing to do is pop on your swimmers and go wading in the road!

Vent post - stop whining

Advance warning - don't read if you are looking for warm fuzzy feelings and a pat on the back.

Hey! girl I know... stop whinging!!!!! You sit here at lunch time telling me that you are about to lose your house, yet you can afford to smoke, to drink, to buy your lunch. Your two toddler kids have every video game and DVD ever created and it is nothing for them to eat a whole block of cheese in one day. You tell us that you are living on the poverty line, but you are eating expensive takeout. The rego on the 3 cars in your garage is killing you and you just don't know how you will pay for the kids karate lesson this week.
Here is the news flash princess. If you want to have more money in your bank account try GOING WITHOUT!!!
Try giving up smoking, try actually saying "no" to your kids. Grab a Toddler care book and read up on the nutritional requirements for their age and then stop over-feeding & over-indulging them. Don't tell me they just help themselves, BE A PARENT and actually watch and discipline them!

Another idea- don't take them to karate, the little horrors already know how to kick the crap out of each other and their possessions, have a look at the piles of broken abandoned toys on the yard. Yes I understand that dog food is a killer, but you are the dumbarse who decided to own 3 enormous staffies, so either feed them or re-house them. And while you are at it, it would be a nice touch if you actually registered and micro-chipped know.. like the rest of us do!

It's a tragedy that you had to get a new television because Mr4 punched the old one and knocked it off the stand. But I'm pretty sure that you didn't have to buy a 3D monster TV with computer access. Big suprise, you put it on your store credit card, because once again your eyes and your ego is bigger than your bank account or your brains.

We've all struggled, we've all had bills, heck I used to whip the margarine to make it go further.. stop whining, take some responsibility and step up!!!

Bring your lunch, don't buy it. Give the kids an apple and tell them "that is all". Have baked beans on toast. Sell a car. Sell two cars. Get a JOB!

Just stop whinging.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Aspergers - The Carnival Ride

Like so many young romantic couples, we bought tickets to go on the Carousel.

Many of our friends had already gone on it and said it was great. It looked like fun and we could afford it. We had to wait in line, but we had friends waiting too, so it was a good, gossipy wait, talking about what it would be like.

When we finally got through the gates, none of our friends were near us.The ride started and almost immediately, we realised that we were on the wrong ride.

Our seats didn't look like the other seats, and the cars banged and crashed and made weird noises. The seat belts pinched and I felt the first tentacles of fear sneaking into my heart.

A man popped out in a white coat and told us we were on the Monster Crash Roller Coaster. He smiled in a detached way and sent us through the big swinging doors.


The Roller Coaster is not at all like the Carousel. It is unpredictable, frightening and fast. There are exhilarating highs and stomach churning free-fall drops. There is always a jagged corner hurtling towards you and you never really know where you will go next. You can't hear anyone else because there is so much other noise, and sometimes you actually scream in true fear.

Even with someone sitting right next to you, there are moments when you feel totally and desperately alone. 

You can see the carousel in the distance, with it's pretty lights and gentle well groomed ponies.

Your friends are watching you, as you fly through the air, hair tangled, clothes askew. You can't explain to them why you aren't sitting nicely or why you need to hang on so tight. You know from where they sit, you look wild eyed and out of control. You wish you were sitting on a happy little pony, not this monster ride. 

You start to worry that you will not make it to the end. You worry the safety rail will fly open, that your car will derail. You forget to breath. Your stomach churns and your fingers ache with the effort of holding on.You close your eyes and wish for it to be over, to be different.

But then... you stop and really concentrate.  Your heart is leaping, not only in fear but also in the most incredible joy. You are starting to anticipate the climb and then the drop. You learn to hang on tight in the scary bits, and you open your eyes and really look at the world from the very peak of the steep climbs.

The world looks so different up here, and none of those people on the Carousel can possibly see the world from this angle. 

They have no idea how beautiful it can be up here. 

At the last climb and free fall, you are grinning, eyes wide open. 

As you reach the peak, you let go of the safety bar and raise your hands over your head and welcome the rush.

The ride slows down and we turn to each other, grinning from ear to ear. No, it wasn't the Merry-go-round ride we anticipated. It was so, so much more.

We have since then ridden on the Carousel. It is fun and wonderful too. But there is always a special place in our hearts for the Roller Coaster... what a ride.