Panic

Wide awake at 2 am.

Heart pounding

Pounding

Pounding

Pounding




Wide awake. Fearful and yet not really able to pin-point the fear.

Afraid of what?

Fearful of ???

My heart is flying, bouncing.
I can feel every 'whoosh' of my blood as it thunders through my veins.

I am anxious. Unsettled.
I am frightened. My mouth dry, my hands clammy.
It's two am and I am absolutely terrified of ....
Nothing.
Everything.

I hate these rude wake up calls.

These uninvited interruptions to my slumber.

I hate the searching through my mind, the arguments with myself.

I hate wondering where this came from and what it means.
I hate trying to calm myself, to talk sense to myself.

I hate the moment when I realise once again that this is a random, unfounded physical reaction to a surge in Fight Or Flight Adrenaline.

That there is nothing to fear,

Because my heart is still pounding. And I remain hyper alert.

At 2 am.

Weekend Writers Linkup is open. It you blog this weekend, please add your link. ... anything goes xx

Please add your weekend post to the linky below, if you blogged Saturday and Sunday you can add each post separately.

Happy Blogging xx

The Australian Government and how to break a family - IBOT

So J-man finished school at the end of last year and in the 8 months since, has taken his resume and cover letters to every business in our small city. He has gone everywhere from plumbers and electricians to the pet shop and the funeral home.
Nope, the answer at most places is.. "we don't take resumes directly, you have to go through the agencies".

Excellent, lets do that shall we.

NO WE SHALL NOT !

The Man I Married and I work, bloody hard, to provide for our family. With four kids, a mortgage and school fees the cost of living is high. Luckily my man has a strong work ethic and often puts in 60 hours a week to provide for us.

Mr Centrelink says we earn too much.  He also says that J-man will be judged based on our income until his 21st birthday. We are penalised for trying to pay off our own home and for staying married.

What this means is J-man cannot register with Centrelink as unemployed. He hasn't actually asked for a cent, just acknowledgement of his unemployed status. The Centrelink system won't let him register unless he is entitled to a benefit and he doesn't qualify for a benefit.

NO ! says Centrelink.
If Dad would just kindly give up his job, or even better, move out, we can give you all the help you need.

But as long as Mum and Dad stay married, and as long as they are honest hard workers, you, my boy cannot have that status. Legally Mum and Dad are financially responsible for J-man (and our other kids) until their 21st birthday. There is no youth allowance or work-seekers help for kids of parents who work hard.

Without the Unemployment status, none of the employment agencies are allowed to assign him a case manager to help him. He's on his own. Furthermore, the exclusive Job seekers network where so many employers advertise their jobs is not available to him... Employers who are tempted by lovely government subsidiaries to employ someone out of the Unemployment sector.

So let me say it. Yes Australia is a good country, we have plenty, but we have a sucky, stupid system that continually punishes those who work hard and actively encourages families to break up, to give up.

I am so angry and disheartened I am finding it hard to type. We always told our kids to have a good work ethic and to put in 110%. I guess we should have told them to do a half arsed job, not commit to anyone and lie on their applications.

If anyone has any ideas. please bring them on, I am at my wits end, J-man is demoralised and I want to picket my local member of parliament for the unfairness of it all.

He's old enough to die for his country, to father a child or go to adult prison, but Centrelink still bases everything on the parents until they turn 21. What about that makes sense ?

Sorry to have such a negative post for IBOT

Obsessive Me - I Must Confess

Who are you when no-one's looking?

I am a slightly much more obsessive version of the person I am when others are watching.

I love lists, and while I can jot down a quick list in front of you, in private I will rewrite until it looks well spaced, has no spelling mistakes, is my best penmanship, on paper without blemish or tear and in the order I would like.

I like colour co-ordination, a fine tipped pen, crisp paper...
My whiteboard on the fridge looks like an easy plan...

but it took almost half an hour to complete and even now it mocks me in its imperfection. I am not certain about the spelling of potatoes, Sunday is unbalanced in comparison to the other days, and it definitely needs some green to balance the colours. (The bottom left corner of the page is also crumpled in this photo and that ANNOYS me.. perhaps I should retake the pic?)

I like colour co-ordination on the clothesline and it bothers me immensely that all the sheets in my linen cupboard aren't the same neutral tones.. what's with the random green one, and a set of floral purple sheets. With a bigger bank account I would just give every scrap in my linen cupboard to the op-shop and start over with just plain white sheets. No colours at all.

Book shelves annoy me. My counsellor (OH my gosh, yes! I go to one.. you don't think I keep all this crazy to myself do you??) has a messy bookshelf with different heights of books, different thicknesses and different themes all shoved in haphazardly. There are occasional piles of paper thrown in here and there... drives me bonkers! On my last visit I told her how distracting I found it... she thought it was hilarious and said this was all about challenging myself- gahhhhh!

Pantry items really bother me. Deep inside me is a woman who totally covets the Tupperware organisation system.

I crave it. But I also share the pantry with 5 people who totally don't give a crap that they put the vegemite back among the spices and the desiccated coconut alongside the pasta instead of on the baking shelf. Every couple of months I strip the pantry bare and re-shelve everything 'correctly', and then wait until it is unbearable again.

In order to tamp down this need to control everything into an orderly, pleasing format, I practice letting go, breathing, ignoring and accepting. I ignore the mess and crazy that goes with having a family. I don't let myself think about the towels on the floor or the bowls in the sink. The fact is, if I let OCD Lisa loose, I would clean until my fingers bled and still not feel like it was 'done'. I would scream at my kids all day for every fingerprint on the fridge, and I would probably vacuum the dogs.
Yes there is mess in my house, and I'm sure there are people who visit me who think I'm a little too relaxed about the house

But under the surface, there is obsessive compulsive Lisa just itching to get some order in the chaos, and she isn't sure she will find a balance between the two.

How do you find balance? What do you ignore to preserve your sanity?

 

Linking with Kirsty for I Must Confess On Mondays at My Home Truths

Heaven Bound

If I wasn't at home, you could bet I was sitting on his couch giggling, plotting and scheming with his adored little girl.

If I was cheeky he could and would pull me into line just like my own Dad.

He would take us for drives in his little green Morris , me and Sue squealing with delight and slip sliding across the beige vinyl seats without seat-belts  or a care in the world. ( the car pre-dated back seat seat belts) 

He would pick us up from the pub at 3 am in his taxi , (somehow we always managed to jump the taxi queue), and deliver us safely home, shaking his head and telling us to behave ourselves.

At my high school graduation he took me for a spin around the dance floor, and at my my wedding he waltzed with me and told me he loved me like his own.

He introduced me as his second daughter, called me "my darling", " little one", "scallywag"  and "trouble" depending on the situation.

I brought my babies home to meet him, he bounced them on his knee and told me they had my eyes, my smile.

He was a true gentleman, a battler from his first breath to his last. 

His love for his wife and his kids was complete.

His acceptance, love and protection of me was unbreakable.

Two men shaped my expectations of how a loving man can be a partner to their wife and a gentle guiding hand for their children. 

One of them was my own Dad ( xxxxxxxxxxxx )

The other was my best friends Dad.

He went to heaven yesterday. He has earned his angel wings.

I will miss him forever.

Almost - Wordless Wednesday - Gym

Fighting depression requires a multi-angled approach. One thing that has always worked for me as a huge energy and spirit lifter is exercise. Not a casual walk.. I'm talking flat out, running, striding, cycling til the sweat drips from your chin to your elbows and to the floor. 
First I LOVE to RUN.
Love . It. 

3 km in 21 minutes. I'm okay with that - around 9 kms/hr .. 
Then onto the elliptical trainer .. I can't express to you how much I hate this machine but the endorphins are flying so what the heck.....

 Please forgive blurry photo, hard to take happy snaps when you are striding and cursing yourself for thinking this was a good idea.
After 15 mins of hate-filled elliptical-ness - a cruisy cycle.

I admit I don't think too hard on the bike, I cycle hard and read my Kindle. When I'm bored with the story I get off.
Then I stretch.
And I feel good.

8 kilos have waved goodbye, which tells you something of the crappy, not-moving, not-eating-right place I was in.
Onward and upward from here.
xxx
PS I still hate the elliptical trainer.

What do you do to get in the right head space?