Thursday, July 19, 2012

Crickets chirping

I have written blog posts over and over, then deleted, I can't seem to get my thoughts out. I have lost the groove.
I was silent while I completed my studies and then... the silence has stretched on like a long summer twilight.. crickets chirping in the background. I know some readers are waiting for me to speak.. but everything I write seems trite or without purpose. 
There is life occurring in my world.
I go to work at a lovely little nursing home... but I can't talk about anything that happens there to the public.
I am in the midst of parenting 3 teens... but so often their stories aren't for sharing, at least not by me.
I am parenting my newly turned 8 yr old daughter, and she is lovely, and yet I am cautioned at every turn against putting details of her life on my blog in case the 'bad people' on the net find her.
I am 21 years deep into a growing relationship with The Man I Married and although I share the funny stuff, often it is a grunted "hey" as we pass in the hallway or an exchange of the essential information as I walk out the door to work, just as he's getting home. We are stuck in the cycle of "getting on with it" and time to gaze into each others eyes seems a very distant memory.
Friendships, precious friendships have come and some have gone, as I slowly gain trust in my own right to choose who I spend time with, and as I recognise that, with friends, there really are people who come into our lives sometimes for a reason, or a season, but not necessarily for a lifetime. I have also had to swallow the bitter pill of realising that for some others I was a season or reason friend and they have chosen to let me go. That's ok, but it hurts.

So where does that leave me.. well, hanging in freefall, not sure of where I will land.
I am not unhappy in life, but I aware I am at an intersection. Life is good but I need to make some clear choices in who I place my energy and loyalties with. I need to choose wisely and fearlessly.

I laugh alot, and I am ridiculously cheerful.... on the outside. I can make you laugh, people think I am strong and very opinionated, and sure of myself.
It's all a big fat act.
Inside I am that awkward girl in grade 8 who doesn't really fit in with any of the groups at school. Not pretty, not sporty, not wild.
Nope I am the girl with braces, who hangs on the fringe of the group, who goes to school sick to the stomach worrying that her friends will not be her friends today, that the geeky boy who said he wanted to "go with" her yesterday will have changed his mind and who doesn't want to do well in class because that will make her even more awkward ( did I mention being Dux in primary school -this is not the way to be popular.. must avoid appearing smart in high school classes- no-one likes the smart kid ). I'm the girl who goes along with the group no matter what they are doing, who skips class because the other girls are. Yes, I was caught smoking in the girls toilet.. not because I was smoking, but I was holding it for someone else.. who skipped out when they heard the teacher coming.
And here I am 22 years later, going to work wondering if my co-workers will be nice today, do they like me, am I too opinionated? I feel awkward at school functions... hell, I feel awkward in the school carpark. I'm too short, too dumpy, unfashionable and unstylish.I forget to wear makeup, I forget to change out of my home clothes. I don't wear my husbands earning capacity as a badge of honour. My kids are not perfect and I've never attended a Positive Parenting Class. I don't fit in.
I'm trying really hard to find me, to be me, but it seems old habits die hard.. I'm still just trying to be accepted by the group.
So I've said too much, written too much, do I hit delete?... no, not this time.
This is me.
I'm wondering if all the people out there who appear to have their act together are really just acting? Are you being honest or are you acting... maybe we can make our own group. I'd fit in to that. xxx


  1. Totally understand Lisa.I have had season friends and its sad when the season is over.
    I always try to make happy and kind as thats how I was raised and I feel good in helping others.
    I was a nurse and worked in nursing homes so get where you are comimg from.Staff can have their groups just like in high school.
    At the moment my mum has gone into one and I try and see her everyday and now my 18 year old baby girl has a broken heart and being on uni break needs me so much more now.Hubby is here patiently waiting for when I can have time with him also.Feel torn in everyway.
    So Im not really part of a group either and dont know where I fit in but am glad you didnt press delete.At least with twitter and blogs we can be part of a community that is always there for eachother no matter what time of day or night.For that I am thankful as at least it gives some sense of belonging.
    I think with your blog you are doing a wonderful job of being you.
    You write open and honest and are unique in your own special way.
    Keep up the great work.You touch people and make a difference.Debyl1.xx

  2. Wow Lisa, I had wondered where you'd gone :) I agree with everything Debyl above says. It's easy to say don't worry so much what people think, but obviously not as easy to do. I've gotten a lot better at this over the years, but also I've worked for myself for 10 years, so I haven't had to be part of a workplace, and I know that politics exist in those environments, and I'm not sure how I would go there either. Your "outspokenness" meant you reached out to me on DP and gave me some fantastic advice, so I'm glad you're opinionated :) Maybe you just need to find the people who like your qualities so you don't feel you need to adjust them to be liked. Also, try to reconnect with hubby. I can't imagine what it is like to be with someone for 21 years - I hope I will :) But I've had one long term relationship fail and I know how much work it takes. It can't be expected to grow without attention. I love your line: "I am 21 years deep into a growing relationship". Hope to hear more from you, when you're ready. x

  3. I love you :-) And yes I agree and understand....that's why I work at home...No one else to deal with!!!

  4. Missed you L! glad you posted. Agree wholeheartedly with other comments. D

  5. Wow - missed this one.

    Scarily apt as last night I sat in bed and wondered who I could let the mask drop with no that my Mum is gone. She is the one that saw through the facade, the bravado, the "hey, I'm so tough I am superwoman" to the lost little girl inside.

    Would love to join your group. So long as we can sit with wine and tim tams and tears whilst we hold each other's hands and let it all burst forth.


    1. Wine and timtams at the ready love! Sometimes we get so used to wearing the mask, we even forget it's there. Here if you need a sounding board or wailing wall xxx My Mum and Dad are my personal cheer-squad, don't know how or if I would have survived without them.

    2. Out of everything I gained from the conference, I count your friendship as number 1!

      Goes both ways my friend. Here for you anytime (you still do have my number, don't you? Yours is programmed into my phone,,,)

  6. What you write in this post has such a resonance for me at this time in my life. I have an unsettling feeling that I too am at a crossroads, that shortly things will change dramatically and forever. I don't think I am depressed but I am dissatisfied and listless. I have lost my drive and enthusiasm. I don't feel challenged or compelled to try very hard. I feel like I am a passenger on a ride where you can't see the end, I don't remember when I got on but it's not always felt like this. Perhaps it is a rollercoaster and we are slowly climbing. It's like the background volume is slowly getting louder as we climb and soon the rollercoaster will be hurtling down the slope and ..... well I don't know.
    There are a few things happening that could explain. I had my first baby ten months ago and have been on maternity leave. My brain feels old and muddled and I fear I will never be able to add up numbers in my head again. (Who am I kidding, I AM old, I will be forty next year and I still want to crank out another one or two kids!). I am due to return to work in 3 weeks time and my Family Day Care for Wed-Thurs just fell through. So now I only have Monday with one Childcare Centre and Tuesday with another and no care for the rest of the week. There is a massive shortage of childcare in the town where we live and I have been on the waiting list for 4 centres since January. Apparently I needed to register when I was pregnant.
    Last week it was confirmed, that my little boy is anaphylactic to dairy and egg, intolerant of wheat and peanuts look a 'bit iffy'. He is only 8kg and that is too light for an Epi-pen so the current response to an allergic reaction is to give him an oral antihistamine and ring an ambulance. A problem being we live in the far northwest of Western Australia and our ambulance service is voluntary so while dedicated and caring they are not exactly in uniform and ready to roll. I don't like the thought of him being at two or more different centres because it increases the risk of someone getting it wrong and feeding him the wrong food. I am scared they will be required to wait for an ambulance instead of throwing him in a car and driving the 4 minutes to hospital. Last week they gave him lactose free yoghurt and we ended up in hospital overnight as they pumped drugs into him to stop the allergic reaction. He is generally a happy and healthy bubba as long as no-one feeds him food that could kill him. So we are thinking of getting an au pair but this will not come together in time for me to return to work.
    I guess this is my crossroads. Do I abandon the idea of returning to work for 12 months before having another baby or do we try to scramble to get an au pair to look after him at home. Do I risk childcare for a few weeks until an au pair can be arranged? By the way, how do you get weight on a baby that can't eat egg, butter, milk, yoghurt, cheese or custard?

  7. And this is the rest of it ....... Fitting in ... We spent 5 years of highschool in that fringe group together. I liked to think we were individuals, odd-balls I suppose, who by choice made our own group and then mixed with the other groups as we wished. I think the reality was we would never have been accepted into the other groups. When I did mix with them I also felt unsure, self conscious, inadequate, fake and never knowing if or when they would reject me.
    I talk a lot and that hides my nervousness around anyone that I am not married or related to. I will occasionally get tongue tied and mispronounce my words which I think gives me away. I practically never shop for clothes so I have a constant struggle to find something decent in my cupboard. I lost my baby weight and more but then put it right back on so I now feel sluggish and self conscious about my spare tyre. I'm too lazy to put up with those tight uncomfortable control pants to bother to hide it. Make-up makes my skin bad so I rarely use it either. I consistently tie my long hair up with a band and have never got myself a proper adult hairstyle.
    In my own head I am strong and self assured but when put in a more 'together' group of people I realise I am that same old misfit that is trying to be cool. I try to be calm and collected on the outside but inside I am scared too. Maybe nothing ever really changes...

    1. Hello my friend! And yes we did stand on the fringe of the group together for 5 yrs - actually longer if you count all the way back to Yr 4. We did tell ourselves we were individuals but really, we were all following a different leader, and all soooo desperately afraid of being rejected by the 'group'.
      I can't imagine the fear you must be feeling about your gorgeous bub, and with a sporadic Ambulance service, Oh Wow! I'm pleased you are getting some answers finally as to why he has been so unwell, so now there are decisions to be made.
      I think that is the crossroad. When you thought you knew what the plan was and then suddenly there is a road diversion. I have sat at that intersection several times.. it's terrifying!
      I am here for you, you can call me, I will listen. And I don't care what your hair looks like or if you're wearing your pajamas.


Your comments are welcome, please be kind and respectful. We all have different views of the world, sharing your view with gentle words is Lisa