Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Don't Judge me? Is it possible?

I recently had a fight spirited discussion with a friend who likes to say "I'm not judging you but..."
She feels very strongly about the word "judge", & says no-one has the right to judge.

So lately, she has been doing some stuff that I don't like as a character trait. That is not to say I don't like her, but I dislike some of her recent choices and behaviours. 
She asked me why I haven't been visiting or calling much and I said that some of her recent choices don't sit well with me
Then all hell broke lose.

"So you're judging me!" she said.
"Um yes."
"What gives you the right to judge me? You can't push your moral code onto me. That's not fair, I thought we were friends, and real friends don't judge"

Food for thought.

How did I decide to be friends with you in the first place? I judged and decided you were a cool chick who I could get along with. 
How did I decide you were safe enough for my kid to come and play at your house? I judged and decided you weren't an axe murderer. 
How did I decide whether I could trust you to come into my home and look after it when we went away? I judged you and decided you were trustworthy.

Whether we like to use the word 'judge' or not, we all judge. It is human to judge. It is how we keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. It is our compass of whether a person is going to be a good friend and companion or a sleazy user who flirts with our husband.

A person has every right in the world to behave however they like. Everyone else on the planet has the right to choose whether they want to spend time alongside that person.

That isn't to say I have the right to harshly criticize someone to others, nor do I have the right to humiliate them or demand they change.  But I do have the right to walk away. 

I do not choose to judge. But I definitely judge to choose.

If that's not ok with you ( and to decide that you have to judge it) then I'm ok with you not spending time alongside me.


  1. You are judging the actions and behavior of a person, that's what people do. We judge our significant others or would-be significant others to determine if that is someone we would be happy with. That whole "do not judge" thing, IMO, means it's wrong to judge the state (good or bad) of a person's soul, inner being, or whatever you want to call it. This is one of the most honest, sense-making posts I've seen lately.


Your comments are welcome, please be kind and respectful. We all have different views of the world, sharing your view with gentle words is Lisa