Sunday, October 30, 2011

Teenagers.. the perfect birth control

Hello lovely bloggy friends.- this may be too much information. Mum and Dad stop reading here....

I have just got off the phone from a friend who has 2 children. Kidlets. Fun sized. Toddlers. They are as cute as a button and full of energy. They are hilarious and stubborn, adorable and exhausting.
Mum is struggling with the day to day grind and waiting, desperately for better days. I am trying to be encouraging, to tell her that this, too, shall pass. Then she says something that has me cackling like a witch, shaking my head at the absurdness of her assumptions.
She said ” I can’t wait til they are teenagers and me and hubby can get our private time back.”
OMG- poor delusional pet. You truly have no idea, do you?
I made agreeable soothing noises whilst trying not to totally decimate all her illusions. But here my friends, here is my honest responses to her statements.

When they are teenagers we can have private time.
Yes, as long as that is in your bedroom, with the door barricaded and plenty of food left out for the carnivores.

When  Y gets his licence he’ll be able to take himself to places and I can stop taxi-ing
Yes, that’s true, then you can take to rocking in the corner worrying about his driving, his car, his friends, the cost of fuel, the cost of insurance and the other drivers on the road.

As they get older they develop a more refined palate and will eat pretty much everything.
Ummm … as long as ‘everything’ comes in a brown bag with a side order of fries and a coke. They will still tell you where you can put the broccoli. 

They start appreciating the value of money, and don’t ask for everything at the supermarket.
This is true. They stop asking at the supermarket. They start asking for cold hard cash. For shopping. Or phone credit, Or piercings,  Or whatever. Value for money is in the eye of the beholder and apparently enameled skull rings through the belly button are expensive. Cool, but expensive.

When all their teeth are here I can stop worrying about 'phases'.
Oh sweet peppermint.. are you freakin' serious? Yes their teeth are all here, along with breast and penises and boyfriends and girlfriends and hormones.. have you heard of hormones?? They are bigger better and stronger than than you have ever anticipated. It's all a phase, from the cradle to the grave, from birth to walking from learning to write to learning to hide a love bite- the whole thing is a phase.. it never never never ends!!

and this.. this final moment of sweet blissful ignorance....

We can have spontaneous sex. 

I admit I laughed. Out loud. I may have rolled on the floor. Snorting

Well, you are right there my friend. Spontaneous as in... who knows if or when it may or may not happen.. yes the teenage years are all about that. 

Going from a time when you had from 7.30pm to get your 'sexy on', to telling the teens to turn the lights out when they go to bed.
Going from wondering if the baby will cry in the midst of passion, to wondering if a teenager will wander in to the kitchen for a mid-eve snack 
Going from being very quiet so we don't wake the baby, to being very quiet so we don't gross out, horrify or generally disgust all under the age of 20.
Going from hoping for a 20  minute window between breastfeeds and baby rocking to hoping for a 20 minute window when someone doesn't ask when the internet will be up and running, can I produce a model of a volcano for science tomorrow and why haven't I taken up the school uniform skirt to the width of a bandaid. 
Going from wondering how we can be responsible for a tiny person in the next room, to wondering why we are still responsible for the 3 large people just down the hall .
Going from just needing the right time and mood,.... to just needing a back rub, a weekend getaway and four kids at friends houses for sleepovers to get in the mood....

Yep.. when they are teenagers it will be easier... or not.


  1. Even though I am a mum to a toddler who harbours similarly delusional thoughts about the good teen years that lay in wait you still made me laugh out loud! Great post!!!!

  2. Lisa what a great post. I showed this post to my husband and his words were "so so true". Teenage years can be so hard but I found you just keep loving them no matter what and if they don't want to know you, send text messages telling them you love them, eventually it all gets better. I speak from experience here of having a teenager not wanting to acknowledge me.
    She has a child of her own now...its interesting watching!

  3. Thankyou Donna and Kathy.. it is a tricky adventure this parenting lark. Maybe when they all leave home???

  4. Then they ring in the middle of morning monopoly to ask for a recipe or is the bub's poo supposed to be green or equally urgent questions!!!

  5. haha! Love this post, total crack up. Even if it does confirm my suspicions that having teenagers will not turn out to be some utopia of parental freedom. My eldest is 10 and I'm already stressing about the whole getting in car with hoon mates thing :/

  6. thankyou to all for commenting... yes it is all a 'stage' and as much as I crave privacy, I am so grateful for these healthy happy LARGE people in my home. xxx

  7. So glad I found your 'teenager' section - am going to read it all because I am having some troubles with my 19yo who is turning 20 next month !!! You have hit the nail on the head with this post - am sitting here smiling as I read it because I so get it !

  8. Oh this is all so true.You write it how it is and dont paint a rosy picture that so many try to do.
    Thankyou for the laugh as I have spent my morning crying my eyes out trying to deal with those raging hormones of a teenage girl.Even though I know it is a stage and it is the hormones,it doesnt make the words hurt any less.
    You are so right about the worry.It never ever stops.Once you do have some privacy and they do go out at night you cant help but worry till you know they are safely home again.
    It doesnt get easier it just gets different but the love always stays filling your heart till it nearly bursts.xx

    1. Hormones truly suck!! I'm pleased you got a little laugh, sometimes you have to laugh or you'd be rocking in the corner.
      Hang in there with your daughter, I totally agree that even though you understand why they are emotional and out of control, their words are still cruel. One day, she will regret those words.. one day, xxxx

  9. Very well written :)

    & an eye opener ...

    But after 2 hours sleep post night shift, & the world's CRANKIEST toddler, I still want to believe in that teenage utopia.

    It doesn't bloody exist, does it? ;)

  10. lol, sorry, but no... and yet its kinda cool when u can have a real discussion about world events, and when they can make you a cup of coffee, and hang washing on the line. Teenagerhood is exciting and terrifying in equal portions.

  11. Lol great post! So you're saying I should sell my boys? Lol must laugh or I'll cry. Sometimes I want to believe in teenage utopia...let me dream, it will help me get through the 'now'!

  12. This is great - although slightly depressing! Since mine are all only little we are still in the 'are they asleep' stage. I truly dread letting them drive cars. I don't think I'll every sleep again :(

  13. Hahaha! Love it!
    I'm a high school teacher so I have absolutely zero delusions about what's in-store for me. The way I figure it, the next 10,8 years respectively are training for when my Rats get there.


    1. I love this! I'm a school teacher too, so I'm on the ball with the teenagers. They do sleep in right? Maybe there'll be more action in the mornings? I don't know what I'm talking about, do I?

  14. Hahahaa! Oh god.....all this is ahead of me. All I've got is my ability to embarrass them, right? I will exploit that like nobody's business. It's what my parents did, and my parents parents.

  15. The trouble with teenagers is that the discipline you can use on a toddler don't work because they know their 'rights'. I have a 14yo brother and if I had a dollar for every time he has brought that one out when mum is having a go at him for something he has done I would be a well to do lady for the rest of my life. I could then pay a minder to deal with DS when the hormones start morphing him into a jackass.

  16. Argh....hormones! Plus mouths and attitudes! That comes in truck loads. Plus you forgot the bit where they don't even listen to you. The joys of parenting!


Your comments are welcome, please be kind and respectful. We all have different views of the world, sharing your view with gentle words is Lisa