Saturday, April 7, 2012

The last time he held my hand

He turns 18 today.
How can that be?
That tiny baby is now a man. An adult.
Once upon a time he needed me, for everything. Once upon a time I was the centre of his world. Once upon a time his eyes would light up when I walked into the room, his chubby little arms would stretch out and he would cling to me.
I am so excited for him, for the brilliant new adventures that wait just around the corner, and yet, I am heart broken that my little boy is not mine anymore.
He is his own person, independant and stubborn. He doesn't have to ask my permission anymore. He answers to himself. When he hugs me now he towers over me, he has to lean down. He is strong and he pats my back, like I used to do for him.


I find myself this morning thinking of the last time he held my hand.
He was 11 and in Grade 5. We were walking out of school along to the car and he grabbed hold of my hand and walked along. I held my breath. It was such a rare treat and I knew it was an unconscious move.
We walked to the car talking about his day and suddenly he stood still looking at our hands. I laughed a little and said " You forgot that others are around didn't you?" He nodded and ever so slowly he let go.
Bittersweet.
My baby has grown up.
I wonder how long it will be before he holds my hand again.

12 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness Im glad Im not the only one who feels this way.My girl turned 18 yesterday and although she has been a walking raging bunch of hormones lately we still have that bond.I feel everything you are feeling.My baby has gone.I miss being her mummy.I have had to step back and watch as she has grown into an adult and I am not needed in the same way any more.I never thought about this happening when I had that tiny baby in my arms.It came about too fast.
    Thankyou for writing this beautiful post and making me feel I am not alone.xx

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    1. Just as everything else in parenthood, this is something no-one can prepare you for. It's good that he is growing up, has grown up. I will feel brave tomorrow. And no Deb, you are most certainly not alone.xxx

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  2. This makes me so sad, but also so proud.

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    1. it truly is bittersweet. The whole aim of raising our babes is to get them to adulthood, and yet once they are here.. what now??
      But he makes me proud and he is so grownup and wonderful... meant to be xx

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  3. Yes, they certainly do grow up quickly. I regret not spending more time with K when she was younger - she turns 20 next month and I often look at her and wonder - how did you grow up so quickly ? Generally followed by - how old am I if my child is nearly 20 ??????
    Lotsa hugs from one Mom to another !
    Me

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  4. What now??? Well, you stand on the sidelines - ready to be the wailing wall, listening ear, fount of advice (not necessarily heeded) and you watch with bated breath as this new adult makes decisions, bears the consequences, and sometimes struggles with life. BUT always they are your child and prime concern - no matter how old they are - and if you are as lucky as we are, they may amaze you and make you wonder how you created such awesome adults! xxx

    And to "ME" - it is even better when you wonder "how did I become old enough to have 3 children 40 and over?! Enjoy the ride!!!!!

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    1. Love you so much!! and I know you know what I mean here, it's good to see them grow up.. it hurts too. xxx

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  5. We really don't have very long with them at home do we? It is another stage that I imagine hurts each time we go through it. I have 4 years to go but I think it's a good reminder to start thinking about what I want to do and achieve in the time I have left. A lovely post :)

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    1. Thankyou, it's all a stage!! but these next 4 years will fly by & suddenly your babe will be just where mine is ... good luck!

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  6. This made me choke up. Mine is still fairly young and reaches for my hand often. It's a pleasure I savor. I don't know what I'll do when I can't hold them anymore.

    18 years. I bet that flew by, didn't it?

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  7. This made me cry. Love to you, Lisa.xx

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  8. Oh. Swoon. This is such a bittersweet expression of your love and admiration of your boy, the man. Tears! I'm not quite sure they're happy tears (sorry!), cos I am dreading the day just quietly.... And I've still got 12 years yet before mine reaches 18.

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Your comments are welcome, please be kind and respectful. We all have different views of the world, sharing your view with gentle words is appreciated.xxx Lisa