Thursday, August 23, 2012

Guilt v's Regret

My last post was a tiny glimpse of life 12 yrs ago in our home. Many have read it and sent messages, comments and love. I have appreciated every person who took the time to give me a cyber hug.  Because you accept that this snapshot is not the total sum of me, I feel safe enough to keep sharing.

A recurring theme in those messages was Guilt.

I shouldn't feel guilty, please don't feel bad, don't have regrets....

So I thought I would give you my little take on this.. it's okay if you disagree, it's okay if you comment and share your opinion (kindly). This is something I have battled with for years, tried to wrestle into something I can sleep next to (metaphorically).

There is a difference between feeling guilty and feeling regret.

Guilty means "I did this on purpose" . Guilty means "I chose this".

I do not feel guilty. I wanted this family and these babies very much and so badly wanted them to have happy, healthy childhoods and beyond. I would never have chosen for them to see their mother like this, to break their tender hearts like that. I didn't choose the anxiety, the uncertainty, the crippling fear, the nightmares, the long tear drenched days, the senseless arguments with The Man I Married.  I didn't choose it and I don't feel guilty for it.

But I have regrets. I wish it were different. I wish I had found help earlier. I wish I had insisted that all wasn't okay the first time I saw the Doctor who sent me away with a condescending smirk. I wish I was older and more aware of myself when I had my children. I wish I could once and for all settle the heart of my beautiful girl. I regret those things.
And that is okay.

The first glimmer of regret was the first glimmer of strength to make tomorrow different.
The first time I realised that doctor was a complete tool who didn't listen to me was the first time I realised that the Doctor isn't all-knowing God.
Those fights with The Man I Married will be forever why I love him. He stood by me through all my 'crazy'. He held on when I wanted to let go. He stepped up as Daddy and Mummy when I was too lost to be either.

I'm stronger than I've ever been, more balanced than I could have dreamt of. I have thought long and hard about what is important and what gets to stay in our world. 
Guilt does not get to stay.

Regrets.. well, to me, they are the seashells on the shoreline.. empty and no longer used, but a reminder of what came before.

Stock Photos: Murex Ramousus. Image: 43633
                                 Photographer Roim | Agency: 

If you are struggling, if you feel the same way as I did. If you know something isn't right and need a starting place , contact Beyond Blue , speak to your doctor or Child Clinic Nurse. Speak to your best friend, your Mother In Law, speak to me at -
Please speak to someone. I promise you that this can be different, better, easier. I will hold your hand xxx



  1. I love how you are stronger than you have ever been and guilt does not get to stay.
    My girl is 18 now and I have guilt and regrets as I wish there were some things I had done differently.
    I need to learn to not let the past creep into my now.Posts like your will help.Thankyou.xx

    1. Thankyou Deb xxxx We all have things we wish we coulda-shoulda-woulda done differently. I hope you come to the place that you can say.. "yep it was crap and I wish it wasn't but I didn't consciously choose for it to be that way". Babies do not come with manuals ( and of all the manuals on the market I haven't found one yet that the baby has also read). We are human, we make mistakes, we do our best. Your 'now' is a clean slate, fresh page and new day... you get to choose what you write as the Title page,. xxxxx little cyber hugs to you xxxxx

  2. Proud - so proud of you!!! Wish I could give you a hug right now!!!!!
    Love always and forever no matter the weather!

    1. I love you too. So nice to be looking back along the shoreline, rather than trudging through that deep sand dune! XXXX PS When are you coming home?????


Your comments are welcome, please be kind and respectful. We all have different views of the world, sharing your view with gentle words is Lisa